Success Center adds marriage services

K-DAWG

cavalierkingcharlesspaniellover@aol.com

The Augie Advantage just got a facelift.

The Student Success Center announced last week that its commitment to student success even after graduation will now apply to an as-of-yet-untapped facet of on-campus achievement: marriage.

“Why should our promise to ensure student success stop with purely academic and career pursuits?” Mary Toso, the Success Center’s director of internships asked. “Relationships are a huge part of what goes on here at Augustana, and we want to ensure that students are successful in those relationships—all the way to the altar.”

A matrimonial coordinator position is now open on the Success Center staff.

In the meantime, Toso said she and the rest of the team are brainstorming what matrimonial success at Augustana would look like. First on the list: an all-Augie wedding package.

“The all-Augie wedding would be included in the Success Center’s services from the beginning,” Toso said. “We want to be on the cutting edge of matrimonial success among our Vikings.”

For Toso and the team, an all-Augie wedding would look something like this: marriage ceremony at the Chapel of Reconciliation with Ole as officiant (optional), dinner served in the Commons with a choice of classic Augie Bowl or Buffalo Augie Bowl (vegetarians can simply take a hike), reception to follow in the Back Alley (DJ provided by UBG) and the night wrapping up with a sendoff from where it all began: the freshmen dorms, accompanied by blue and gold fireworks.

Senior “it” couple Mason VanEssen and Andrea Conover have already committed to being guinea pigs for an all-Augie wedding. They’ve recently tested out lighting in the chapel for their ceremony and are scouting locations for an eventual on-campus engagement photoshoot.

“We’re not engaged yet, but I’m totally on board with this whole all-Augie wedding idea,” VanEssen said. “What’s better than Augie Bowl in the Commons and taking a trip down memory lane with a jig in the Back Alley?”

Conover, not wanting to press her luck, declined to comment at this time.

Junior Max Boyum is stoked about the all-Augie marriage proposal. But not the coupling-up part.

“I know they said they want Ole to officiate these weddings, but I really think I would be the best choice,” Boyum said. “I’m working on my certification and everything. And let’s face it—I look much better in vestments than that cartoon ever will.”

Ole refused to comment, citing a lack of a larynx, but Flat Ole reportedly unfriended Boyum on Facebook.

Toso said she believes the Success Center’s matrimonial expansion plan would do “nothing but good” for the university’s image.

“We’re known for our high job-placement rates, why not be known for our high marriage rates as well?” she asked. “We could add those wedding statistics to our home page. I’m sure admission would skyrocket.”

Editor’s note: the Success Center is not a matchmaking service. Yet.

Though not included in tuition, Toso said the all-Augie wedding would substantially reduce wedding costs for students, especially if both parties were Augie graduates.

“We’re working on a package deal where costs would be lower if both members of the wedding party were graduates of Augustana,” Toso said. “We haven’t yet worked out our plan of action if one party happens to be from USF.”

After this information was made public, VanEssen said Conover is coming around to the all-Augie wedding idea.

“She’s one that can never miss out on a deal,” VanEssen said. “And really, this would be the ultimate deal. Augie Bowl is her favorite meal on campus, so I really think I can get her to change her mind. Do you think they would have a special deal for former ASA presidents?”