Rec Services staff actually looks forward to team bonding

After dislocating both shoulders during yet another never-ending game of human knot at a team-bonding bonfire Saturday night, sophomore Elmen lifeguard Emily Boysen still managed to sing the praises of team bonding.

“Sure, the injuries hamper my breaststrokes, butterflies and water rescue skills, but they’re worth the metaphysical connection my team and I share, now that we have been forced to mangle our arms and legs together,” Boysen said while adjusting both right and left shoulder slings, securing her injured joints in place.

Rather than sorting teams by departments (i.e. front desk, lifeguards and weight room), Rec Services organizes employees based upon the inescapable, omniscient StrengthsQuest traits. Besides pigeonholing personalities, the  program is a proven matchmaker, with higher success rates than Match.com and eHarmony combined.

“If we’re going to force authentic friendships, we might as well ensure our employees are compatible,” director of team bonding Jebben Keyes said. “With StrengthsQuest working its charm and mandatory interactions, we could have a reality show on our hands. The superficial relationships just scream ‘toleration.’”

Kendra Morgan, a senior  front desk employee, attests to the Elmen’s relationship-building expertise, saying team bonding succeeds in painfully transforming casual co-workers  nice into kin and indifferent staff into soulmates.

“I was ready to gouge my eyes out during our 12th game of “never have I ever” when I realized the power of sharing PG, surface-level secrets with my co-workers,” Morgan said while affectionately polishing a framed picture of the 2017 Elmen staff. “After learning Steve has never been to Florida, I feel we can be more productive during our Thursday evening shifts.”

Indeed, a recent work efficiency survey found productivity levels increased by 42 percent following each game of kickball, by 54 percent following each  scavenger hunt and by 63 percent following each staff cupcake decorating night.

Augustana’s sports teams witnessed similar improvements from bonding nights as well.

“By forcing athletes to interact with one another, we’re building genuine and authentic relationships,” said Elmen sports manager Shay Norris. “And it’s showing both on the field and court we’re not just a team, we’re family.”

Forget incalculable hours spent training, countless meals at their established cafeteria table and weekend “festivities,” senior wide receiver Nathan Merriman says it is team bonding alone that transforms the football team’s friendships into bromances.

In fact, Merriman said he and his teammates cannot get enough of scheduling their own team bonding activities.

Last Saturday, the team put on its annual wide-receiver slumber party, not to be mistaken with its quarterback slumber party, linemen slumber party or defense slumber party.

At these scheduled bonding bashes, the men unabashedly pamper themselves with avocado face masks and indulge in pints of Ben & Jerry’s while watching Mean Girls for the umpteenth time, nestled underneath a shared blanket.

“We pour our hearts out to one another,” Merriman said. ‘’Team bonding connects us on an emotional level we otherwise aren’t able to have on the field. In effect, our playing and overall strategy improves.”

Seeing the football team as posterchildren for team bonding’s positive impacts, the Elmen Center is currently considering increasing the number of mandatory team bonding nights.

“It appears students love being forced to interact with people they are forced to be with, so we will grant their wishes by increasing team bonding activities to four nights a week,” Keyes said. “Happy mandatory forced bonding!”

Please send in your applications to join the Rec Services crew next year if you would like to bond over the human knot, long hours and being forced to talk to someone you didn’t want to see after class.