Smirror: ANGLES: What’s the best escape? Pina coladas or getting caught in the rain?
ALLIE HAMILTON
ifyoureabird@365letters.com
Rupert Holmes blessed the world with the 1979 banger “Escape,” also known as “The Piña Colada Song.” You all know how it goes… dude sees an ad for a personal column that says:
“If you like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain,
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape,
I’m the love that you’ve looked for, write to me, and escape.”
(You sang that to the tune of the song in your head, didn’t you?)
Who wouldn’t respond to a personal column ad like that? It all checks out… Piña coladas—pretty good, not into yoga—okay so she’s not crazy about stretching, if you have half a brain—reasonable, if you like making love at midnight in an exciting location—do you even have to ask?
But wait… What’s this business about getting caught in the rain? Is getting caught in the rain not a terrible inconvenience that leaves most people mildly soggy and irritated? Why did this otherwise perfect woman include this in her personal ad?
Well I, Allie Hamilton, am here to inform you why getting caught in the rain is, in fact, far superior to the infamous mixed drink for which the song is known. (Gasp!)
First off, if I was a woman putting myself out there in a personal column, you bet ‘getting caught in the rain’ is at the top of my list of things to include.
Why? Because you can tell everything you need to know about a man by the way he reacts to getting caught in the rain. If you got a pouter or a glass-half-empty kind of guy on your hands, he will most definitely throw a tantrum over his leather red-wing boots getting “ruined.”
And that’s just not the kind of man you want in your life. No. You want the whimsical, carefree guy that, upon feeling the first water droplet, prances about, revelling in this beautiful gift of nature that fate has so graciously bestowed upon you.
You want the guy that twirls you in circles in the middle of the street as others flee for cover and then pulls you in for a long overdue smooch.
What do you not want? The guy who, five piña coladas in, starts telling you that you look like a hotter version of Stephanie Tanner from Full House as he alternates flexing his right and left pectoral muscles.
And you certainly don’t want to be the one who, five piña coladas in, projectile vomits all over whimsical boy with the Crest-white smile as he tries to kiss you in the rain.
I’m not saying that the occasional piña colada is not enjoyable. I will not deny the sweet, tropical delight that is sipping on a well-proportioned drink. But it is not as enjoyable as the blissful, liberating feeling of running through a downpour clutching the hand of your one true love.
Now I admit that if you do not have said lover, you may find it more conducive to down five piña coladas instead of dancing about in the rain alone—I’ll give you that.
But consider this, while you are held up in the bar ordering endless piña coladas next to Pectoral Guy, Whimsical Guy is out there in the rain, frolicking, waiting for his counterpart.
So, avoid the hangover, avoid being compared to Stephanie Tanner, avoid the deceiving promise of temporary escape and go meet the love of your life—go get caught in the rain.
