Rain sucks. Let’s drink.

MEREDITH PALMER

5yearssober@dundermifflin.com

What’s yellow, coconutty, alcoholic and Puerto Rican all over? The piña colada.

What’s wet, dark, cold and depressing? (Hint: not the snow Sioux Falls has been getting.) Think spring. Rain—correct!

In case you’re clueless, the piña colada is Puerto Rico’s national drink, a cocktail usually made with rum, coconut milk, pineapple juice and ice, served with pineapple slices and everyone’s favorite maraschino cherry.

Pineapple is the best fruit, coconuts have the best milk and rum is the best alcohol, so, naturally, this drink is the best.

It tops the soggy sadness of getting stuck outside in a downpour.

Just think about it: would you rather be caught outside in a thunderstorm or be inside the nice, warm Crow Bar, drinking a piña colada and getting even warmer? The decision isn’t a difficult one.

Why stay outside? Why not drink about the fact that you’re drowning in homework and your social life is tanking? Cheers to piña coladas!

American philanthropist Dolly Parton once said, “If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” This statement may ring true, but what better way to put up with the rain than by sipping a sweet, milky tropical drink?

You know the song “Singin’ in the Rain”? Don’t buy into it. Gene Kelly is a liar. No one sings in the rain.

Old ladies wear plastic bandanas over their heads to prevent getting wet. The Brits use those fancy clear umbrellas. Georgie followed his paper boat down the street all the way to the storm drain where he met his untimely death.

The correlation is there—go out in the rain, and you not only get your arm hacked off by an ancient killer clown, but also get yanked down into the sewers TO DIE.

If that’s the way you want to go, so be it. Tell Pennywise I said hi.

Piña coladas can open up an entirely different world. That is, if you drink enough of them. After three or four, you can close your eyes and picture yourself anywhere. A white sand beach is probably the best choice for Midwesterners, considering that Mother Nature clearly won’t give us a break.

Everyone has their favorite drink. For Jimmy Buffet, it was the margarita. For Willie Nelson, it was whiskey. For Rupert Holmes, the piña colada was not just the nectar of the gods, it also had the ability to save a marriage.

Do you know any other cocktails that can do that? Me neither.

Piña coladas are also easy to make. You don’t have to be a bartender to do so. You can just go to Target and buy piña colada mix. Just add ice and alcohol. Mix it up in a blender and you have your own escape.

If for some ridiculous, godforsaken reason you want to get caught in the rain, it’s exponentially more difficult. You have to constantly watch the weather, which can be unpredictable. What’s more, once it starts sprinkling you actually have to walk outside. You physically have to move your body out the door. Gross. I’d rather drink.

Let’s recap.

Getting caught in the rain: cold, wet, dark, depressing, able to cause certain death, requires the burden of physical activity.

Piña coladas: delightful, a happy color, taste like a tropical vacation, keep you warm when it’s cold outside, ability to transport you anywhere and, to top it all off, they’re easy to make.

Piña coladas are clearly the superior choice here.