Smirror: Fashionistos, time to end the matriarchy

BROCK JOHNSON

sayyestothetux@aol.com

Listen here, ladies—it’s not all Fortnite and sweatpants, muscle and chocolate milk. Men like fashion, too. But it’s as if women think that men do not care about their outward appearance. I say, it’s time we end the matriarchy in the fashion world. It’s time for the men’s edition of Viking Vogue.

I’ll admit—not all bros have impeccable fashion sense (I’m looking at you, wrestlers—stop tucking your sweatpants into your socks; you’re making us all look bad). So I’m taking this opportunity to help my brothers out and show what’s hot in dude’s clothing.

I enlisted the help of my dude Nathnael Berhanu, a good pal and a bro with even better fashion sense, to pick out some choice outfits with me. Since the matriarchy affects men too, there are no cute boutiques for men to shop for clothing at. So, to the mall, the empire of all empires, we went.

The only worthwhile store in the mall for men’s threads is GAP. That place’s color palette absolutely slaps. My bro Nati and I decided that men need two solid looks: one that’s sporty casual, and one for dressier events. So we curated two perfect fits.

The first outfit, the quintessential sporty casual look, has three components. Up first, joggers. Joggers are just regular sweatpants, but cool. Anyone and everyone can wear sweatpants, but if you make them joggers, all of a sudden, they are quite fashionable. It’s that small extra step that shows the ladies you care about your appearance, but you don’t care too much.

The next step would be a graphic tee, but that’s too obvious for the stylish man. So instead, my brosef Nati and I decided on a striped long-sleeve tee. It adds interest to the outfit without making too loud of a statement. We want the focus to be on the whole fit, not just the statement tee.

You may be thinking, “what part of this outfit is fashionable?” Well, I’ve been saving the best part for last. Add a jean jacket. Chicks love jean jackets. Cop one and never have a problem pulling chicks ever again.

Next, an outfit for the times in which you really need to impress. Two words: print and color. The ladies will think you’re the most fashionable dude on campus if you wear a shirt with a cool print and some colored trousers. Check Nati out here. He’s got the blue pants with the polka-dotted button-up.

I bet you think we couldn’t get more hip than that, but we did. We decided to add the bomber jacket. We took the cool guy outfit and added an air of sophistication. Wear this on a date and it’ll guarantee  you a second one. Girls dig guys that care about their appearance.

Here’s another hint: wear some cologne so she knows you care about how you smell, but don’t wear too much. That’s a big turn off for the chicks.

Bro, Augie touts this liberal attitude and we all think we’re so progressive. But where’s that inclusivity for the male minority? How about a student-led newspaper that makes me feel like the issues that matter to me (men’s fashion) are on the forefront? Checkmate, Augie. They’ll see how popular this men’s edition of Augie Vogue is and make it a regular occurance, just you wait and see.