Smirror: FSC’s secret project shakes up campus
VOLTAIRE
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Former blue dog Stephanie Herseth Sandlin was appointed as the new president of Augustana University last spring.
Just three days later, all professors from the science department had applied for summer research funding received a letter of approval—on one condition: they use the allocated funds to combine their efforts and build a cyborg to secretly replace Herseth Sandlin and take over the Humanities.
The project idea was proposed in conjunction by the admissions office and administration, as students interested in the new-ish Froiland Science Complex were being accepted in droves, up 2000 percent since 2017.
“Our science department has such top-notch programs and is really the main aspect on campus in terms of bringing in the ‘moola,’” said Vice President of Academic Affairs Chuck Toddy. “The best way to ensure that tradition continues, is to craft a president who has no choice but to advocate for the sciences. Humanities is overrated, anyway.”
The departments pooled together their resources to create a fully-automated version of Herseth Sandlin, replacing the real one before the beginning of the 2017-2018 school year.
The Smirror is unsure of where the real Herseth Sandlin is being held.
“It was a tough job, but we got it done,” said computer science professor Stacy Dillsen. “We fell a little short on time for programming, so we only downloaded software on fundraising for the FSC—but I don’t think anyone’s noticed.”
To protect Project C-YA, fences and military-grade weaponry have been placed around the FSC. Extra campus safety officers have also been hired on a temporary basis to see the project to completion.
In addition, administrators have allocated $2.4 million for the physics department to begin using drones to search the newly condemned Humanities building for any remaining life forms.
The boarded-up windows and doors surprised junior English major Felicity Merriman, as rooms on the second floor had just been renovated with new plastic desks and chairs.
“You know, I always thought that literally everything within the offices looked a little outdated, but it added to the vintage appeal,” Merriman said. “The FSC’s floors are too shiny, anyway. Probably a tripping hazard, to be honest.”
While the Humanities are temporarily shut down, the debate over whether Augustana’s status as a liberal arts university stands has begun to spring up around campus, conducted mostly by displaced students who are not good at math.
“Liberal arts are cool and all, but are they, like, really necessary?” asked freshman Cody Martin as a chemistry student wafted hydrochloric acid under his nose. “I really like to write and express myself, but my mom told me that pre-med was probably the way to go, anyway.”
It looks as though the debate will continue to rage. Until then, classes normally held in the Humanities will take place in the Ordal Dining Hall at the tables next to the salad bar.
