Smirror: Mirror Readership soars
SMITTY WERBENJAGERMANJENSEN
iamnumberone@awayinagrave.com
According to a new campus poll, the Augustana Mirror’s readership is exponentially growing this semester, soaring to right around 15 avid readers a week.
The spike in readership is leading some to speculate that the numbers were warped, probably by Mirror journalists themselves. Others say the spike may be attributed to a journalistic renaissance in the Trump era.
“Fifteen?” junior Stacie Soderstrom said. “I’m sorry, but I find that really hard to believe. I mean, have you seen the stacks and stacks of papers everywhere? I think you may want to go check who had access to that poll, my friend.”
She said it’s likely the paper stuffed its numbers to give the appearance of relevance to ensure funding.
“No one reads the news—not the real stuff, at least,” she said. “Follow the money, and I’m sure you’ll find the paper playing itself up, begging for our tuition dollars.”
The head editor of the Mirror, Veangelo Dickers went wide-eyed when he heard people read the paper.
“People read that rag?” he said, almost falling from his seat and knocking over a number of disposable coffee cups which dotted his desk. “You mean this paper?”
He held up the copy. The lead story was yet another enrollment projection for next year’s class.
“Listen, I am only here for the cushy paycheck,” he said. “I don’t even know how I got this job. I didn’t know people actually read this thing. Oh, God, I gotta get outta here. If anyone asks, just say I went insane and admitted myself to a hospital.”
Junior Hannah Guggisberg said she does not read the paper because she can’t trust it, saying she believes all the editors are drunks.
“You can’t trust anyone nowadays, especially the mainstream media,” Guggisberg said. “I’ve seen them journalists around campus anyway. They look trashed all the time, ‘specially that sports editor.”
Sports editor Betty Quackson said she could not recall being trashed.
“But, really, who can remember when they’re trashed?” she said.
Philosophy professor Stephen Minister said he marked himself as an avid reader, but only for the crossword.
“I don’t know if they can give out Pulitzer’s for crosswords, but if they can, whoever makes the Mirror’s deserves one,” he said. “At least they can make a mean crossword. We gotta give them that.”
Variety editor Leaf Rivered reported that the paper imports the crosswords from a lonely, retired logophile in Wisconsin. She said the old woman thinks the paper is her grandson, so she sends the crosswords for free.
“Don’t look at me like that, with that disgusted look,” Rivered said. “Wasn’t it Twain who said, ‘If the mindless don’t mind, why should we?’”
Junior Sentel Johnson said she marked herself as a avid reader, but only because she felt bad.
“You know, those kids try their hearts out,” she said.
Jeffrey Miller, the advisor for the paper, said he thought he was the only one who read the “napkin decorated with chicken scratch,” as he described the paper.
“They’re young journalists in a failing business and I’m riding the wave to retirement,” he said while looking at resorts in Cancun and mojito recipes. “The key is really fresh limes and enough rum to knock out a horse.”
What’s the future for the Mirror? Well, according to Forum editor Adele Rossi, it’s “grim,” she said while smoking a cigarette and wearing a red beret. “We are losing morale and resources are low.”
