Smirror: OJ named new athletic director
JOHNNIE COCHRAN
cochran@youmustquit.org
In an unpredictable move, Augustana University announced that OJ Simpson, 1968 Heisman Trophy winner, member of the 2,000 single-season rushing yard club and convicted robber and kidnapper would be named the new athletic director.
“We are excited to move forward to a new age of Augustana athletics with the Juice at the helm,” President Stephanie Herseth Sandlin said. “We expect OJ to take it to the competition with a sharp edge and a violent competitive drive. We are also super excited to have someone who is totally not a murderer run our athletics department.”
Simpson was embroiled in national controversy when he was accused of murdering his ex-wife in 1995. Simpson was acquitted of all charges, as the glove did not fit and the other evidence didn’t matter because the gloves used during the murder were kind of tight.
Simpson was convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping in 2008, and spent nine years in a Nevada prison until he was recently released on parole in October of 2017.
The committee that headed the search for the new athletic director said they acknowledge Simpson’s controversial past, but believe that his upside promises a better second chance.
“We looked at everything that had happened with OJ, and when weighing it all, we saw more to be happy about than to be worried about,” a spokesman for the committee told the Smirror. “We know he’s a convicted kidnapper, but like come on, he ran for 2,003 yards in one single NFL season. Are we just supposed to ignore that? Plus, he was acquitted of murder. So he never murdered anyone. There’s legal proof of that.”
Alleged murder and convicted kidnapping are black spots on a personal record that should be cause for concern, but Simpson does hold the 21st spot on the NFL All-time Rushing Leaders list, with 11,236 yards total, so the situation presents a definite moral dilemma with no clear answers available.
Simpson himself believes he can bring Augustana athletics into new territory of prosperity, and says he’ll do so through his beaming kindness and warm smile.
“I’m a real people person,” Simpson said at a press conference. “And I think that’s something that’s important in sports. People see me smile and they know it’s genuine. There’s no doubt that my demeanor is completely indicative of my character and behavior. No doubt at all. I’ve also never committed murder. But if I did do it, here’s how I would do it.”
Simpson then proceeded to lay out a detailed plan of how he would commit murder.
The move may have been embroiled tense discourse on the moral trade-off of kidnapping versus winning a Heisman trophy, but the Augustana campus waits impatiently and nervously for the Juice to lead the way.
