Smirror: Walk-on suspended for drug violations, new AD comments

DARRYL STRAWBERRY

caught@tonsofdrugs.com

A freshman walk-on punter on the Augustana football team has been suspended indefinitely by the NCAA for numerous drug policy offenses.

The freshman was submitted to a random drug test during the off season, and the results indicated a wide variety of performance enhancing and recreational narcotics, including but not limited to: human growth hormones, mescaline, marijuana, low-grade ecstasy, high-grade ecstasy, cocaine, PCP, ayahuasca, peyote, rohypnol and birth control, among others.

New Augustana University athletic director, former NFL running back and convicted felon OJ Simpson said he would comply with the NCAA’s ruling, but he disagrees with the punishment as he sympathizes with the walk-on’s desire to get better.

“As a former athlete, the first person to break the 2,000 yard rushing threshold in a single NFL season and also as someone who has only broken the law one time as my one conviction of kidnapping will indicate, I don’t think this young man did anything that should be held in contempt,” Simpson said. “I look at the list of illegal substances he consumed, and they were all clearly taken to get better at the game. How can anyone disapprove of that?”

One of the walk-on punter’s teammates, however, offers a different perspective, as he says the punter’s transformation was suspicious.

“At the beginning of the year he was a twig,” said an anonymous sophomore lineman. “And then he turned into just a bulk machine. Plus, he grew a full beard when he barely had a stache during the season. And he kept asking everyone if they wanted to trip in his dorm room with him? Also he was on birth control? Why was he on birth control?”

But the lineman insists that the walk-on’s behavior is not indicative of a larger problem on the team.

“No athlete has ever done drugs,” the lineman said emphatically. “Never. I don’t even get vaccines. We’re a straight edge culture here.”

In an official statement (screenshot of his iPhone notes tweeted earlier today), the walk-on vowed to be accountable and come back clean and better than ever.

“I may have let my teammates down, and I know God is really disappointed in me,” the statement read, “but I know that I have it within me to come back better than ever. As I write this, I’ve been clean for a full 36 minutes, and I don’t plan to ingest mescaline for another 24 minutes. Go Vikes!”