The Naked Truth: Hookups & Sobriety
Augustana is no stranger to a phenomenon in higher education known as hookup culture. Although the culture may look different here compared to state universities because of our Christian core values and lack of Greek life, it certainly exists.
When I talked to women on campus, their definitions of the term “hookup” varied. Some describe it strictly as sexual intercourse, many describe it as anything ranging from making out to sexual intercourse, and others describe it as any sexual act “more than making out.” Yet, despite women’s various definitions, the women I spoke to all agreed that a hookup must be with someone who you either do not know or do not plan to have a serious relationship with.
In “American Hookups: The New Culture of Sex on Campus,” sociologist Lisa Wade writes, “Hooking up is an intentionally vague phrase that refers to a physical, romantic encounter that could range anywhere from kissing to having intercourse.”
The presence of hookups has always existed, but hookup culture has definitely become more of an open discussion in the last decade. With a more openly sexual society, the acceptance of hookup culture became much more widespread. As Wade highlights in her book, many people think that college students are having more sex now than ever before, but this isn’t the case.
Studies show that college students are having just as much sex as previous generations did in college; this compares older generations' conservative view of hookup culture to the acceptance of hookup culture in the new age. Older generations think we are having more sex, simply because we are openly talking about it rather than ignoring it.
The obscurity of the term hookup is strategic because it allows a person to minimize or maximize a hookup. For instance, by hooking up with someone in high status, a person can gain social standing, and by hooking up with someone in low status, a person can lose social standing.
“The way I think of it is what Wade found: that the ambiguity [is] purposeful,” family and intimate life sociologist Kelcie Vercel said. “She also found that people used that ambiguity strategically.”
Hookup culture disguises itself as sexual liberation and even feminine empowerment when really it just perpetuates unhappiness for both parties on the basis of dissatisfying sexual encounters. This is highly problematic.
Due to an assumed absence of emotions — particularly emotions labelled as “feminine” — hookup culture is traditionally labelled “masculine.” Therefore, the culture’s participants punish kindness before, during and after hookups, classifying it as investing too much care into what is supposed to be “meaningless sex.” Since hookup culture is labelled “masculine,” men pursuing sex tend to be perceived as healthy, while women’s participation in hookups is perceived as degrading.
“These stereotypes also warp what seems possible, making it difficult to advocate for sex that is both casual and kind,” Wade writes in “American Hookups.” “As a result, when young women express a desire for a caring partner, it’s almost always interpreted as desperation for a boyfriend rather than a request to be treated well.”
Now, isn’t this a unique situation that we women must navigate? All participants in hookup culture have the choice to defy these stereotypes or the choice to give in to them. Communication plays a key role in defying hookup culture’s stereotypes by using communication to establish boundaries and expectations at the very beginning of a hookup. Sex can be fun and exciting with effective communication.
Meanwhile, sober hookups are looked down upon; they have much higher stakes than a regular drunk hookup because there isn’t a medium to put the responsibility on, like alcohol or other substances, aside from oneself. Alcohol is part of a hookup’s definition, but I believe that an encounter does not have to include the use of substances to be considered a hookup. In fact, I proudly encourage sober hookups. If you aren’t willing to participate in a hookup with a sound mind and body, then it isn’t worth it to involve yourself in the first place.
Drunk hookups are also problematic for the obvious reasons of inebriated judgement and the blurred lines of consent. Consent takes many forms including vocal consent and even body language. One way to ensure consent throughout a hookup is a pause after every step to check in with your partner and make sure both of your needs are being met.
“It really reframes our idea of what consent looks like,” gender, sexuality and sexual behavior sociologist Spencier Ciaralli said. “Because oftentimes I think that our assumption is that consent is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ at the very beginning or our sexual interactions, rather than a continuous check-in throughout the process.”
Check-ins can even start at the beginning of the evening with your friends. These check-ins, which my friends and I call our “goals,” include: how much do you want to drink, do you want to spend the night in your own bed and do you want someone to come home with you? This helps to set up the night with clear expectations so you and your friends are all on the same page. It’s also fun to check in on these goals during the morning-after debrief — and let’s all be honest, sometimes we live for those debriefs.
Since people view hookups as a spontaneous activity, it may feel wrong to pause and talk to each other as it unfolds, but when you do, it can bring you to a shared understanding. Not only does this pause help both participants manage expectations, but it also can make the sex itself better. When you open the door to conversation at the beginning of a hookup, it can offer up more comfort to continue communication with your partner during and after the hookup.
Luckily for us, we have the power to change the script of hookup culture.
It all starts with communication.
XOXO
