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SMITTY WERBENJAGERMANJENSEN iamnumberone@awayinagrave.com According to a new campus poll, the Augustana Mirror’s readership is exponentially growing this semester, soaring to right around 15 avid readers a week. The spike in readership is leading some to speculate that the numbers were warped, probably by Mirror journalists themselves. Others

WALMART YODELER bowtieandboots@hitmeup.com “It was just like any other Wednesday,” said junior Joscelyn Schipper, recalling last week’s events. “We had been in class for about 10 minutes when he walked in. The whole class fell silent. I don’t really remember much of class after that. It’

DRUNK MINOTAUR woked@rushmoremail.com Augustana University is the premier American holiday destination for Norwegian students looking for a semester abroad. In fact, the Aftenposten, one of the most widely circulated newspapers in Norway, recently named Augustana “the Cancun of America,” and it’s not hard to see why. With

WHIPPERSNAPPER whippersnapper@whippersnapper.com Let’s face it, sports can be difficult. Numerous NBA and NFL players have faced setbacks in their football and basketball careers, illustrating just how hard those games can be. But there is one sport immensely more difficult than either of these: house hunting. House hunting

DARRYL STRAWBERRY caught@tonsofdrugs.com A freshman walk-on punter on the Augustana football team has been suspended indefinitely by the NCAA for numerous drug policy offenses. The freshman was submitted to a random drug test during the off season, and the results indicated a wide variety of performance enhancing and

REBEKAH BORDESURE tuchewyk@milbrookings.com Hey friends, Becky here. Beau didn’t have time to write his column this week. He got caught up in March Madness, and I haven’t seen him since Loyola made the final four. But that’s okay because now we can talk about bird